“Pan Am” recap: Episode 12, “Romance Languages”

Kate at the photo gallery. Credit: ABC

Is there a point to even talk about what this episode was about? I’m going to rely on the official synopsis:

Synopsis (ABC): Dean is surprised by the ramifications of his fling with Ginny when she stalks him to Rome with, frightening consequences; Colette takes a precocious unescorted minor, Charlie, under her wing, who promptly develops a major case of puppy love; Kate struggles with the dangerous fallout of her strong connection with Niko; and Laura is spellbound by a handsome photographer, Graham, who shot her for the Life cover.

My thoughts: I can’t say what I would like to say because I’m not big on cursing (even though I was cursing profusely in my head as I watched this episode). So here’s the sanitized version:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IN THE FREAKING WORLD DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A DECENT CHARACTER ARC! I was to my limit already with this show, and then watching the second season of Downton Abbey–which is SO UNDER the quality of the first season (more on this as the weeks wear on)–has made me infuriated. Now I have to sit through an episode where information and plotpoints that should have been addressed MONTHS AGO are JUST NOW GETTING ADDRESSED!? COME ON, PEOPLE!!!

Listen, I’ve written scripts before. I understand how hard it is to make stuff flow. I haven’t written for a show before, but I would assume that scripts get switched out a lot–more than we think. They rewrite endings for episodes, swap one scene that was supposed to be in one episode for another, and do all sorts of mis-matching. But seriously, who would swap an episode that has so much crucial information for an episode that has NO CRUCIAL INFORMATION TO THE PLOT!? I like the episode with Joe, but did that episode seriously need to play before this one? All of the questions I’ve had for months–like, what happened with Maggie telling the Pan Am exec about Ginny’s dalliance and the repercussions Dean has to deal with–were answered in this episode! And honestly, the Joe episode is more appropriate for this month since it is BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

Does someone not want this show to succeed? This episode is seriously the episode that would have acted as the glue for all of the storylines that have existed up until this point. By taking out the most crucial episode, the rest of the episodes up until the Joe episode fall, much like Jenga blocks.

ANYWAY, the episode itself was…good? It had good elements. It was way more soapy than I’d expect. Or, instead of soapy, I should say that it was way more risque than I’d expect for this show. It’s almost like someone who isn’t used to American censoring laws wrote this episode. I say this partly because Ginny’s Fatal Attractions-type style of showing love, but mostly because of the underage kiss.

Colette before the underage kiss. Credit: ABC

I didn’t expect for that to be on ABC during primetime (the later in of primetime, to be fair, though). Did it flow with the characterization of our precocious kid character Charlie (Lance Chantiles-Wertz)? I guess so. Chantiles-Wertz is a good actor (better than some of the adults, actually), so his portrayal of such a character was good, if not great. The character itself? Charlie was written a little on the Anakin Skywalker-side of “precocious”, which is also code for “annoying.” Charlie’s a charming kid, probably a little too charming to be only 12 years old. He’s also really mature already, probably due to his parents divorce. But, like both kid and grown-up Anakin, he’s also a little creepy. The kid was standing at the side of Colette’s bed in the middle of the night, for goodness’ sake!  Aside from Anakin, the only other kids who might do this are creepy kids in scary movies.

Since we’re on the subject of kisses, I’m glad that, for once, virginity is painted as a virtue worth holding onto. Now, I’m not preaching to anyone about whatever, so let’s not paint that picture. But we can all agree that virginity is something to keep hold of for a while, yes? Sexual liberation isn’t the only way to have and use feminine power, and, in fact, part of being truly liberated is to have control over when you give your virginity away and to whom. so I’m glad that that aspect of the Feminine Mystique was addressed. However, this episode is the one that showed us Laura actually posing for the pictures, which led to the events of the last episode. Playing episodes out of order ISN’T COOL.

To go back to Ginny a bit–why is she so crazy!? I wasn’t expecting that kind of craziness from her character! For a while, I thought she was going to pull a gun out of her bra and kill Dean!  That head-smashing window thing was a crazy level of “I’ll make you love me!” action going on, and while it was a great way for the episode to go to commercial, it was just weird. Crazy weird. I’m glad we’re not going to see any more of her.

Kate’s subplot finally has some meat to it. She’s in trouble, and so is Niko. Her cover might be blown, which is bad. Too bad this episode didn’t play when it was supposed to play, or I probably wouldn’t have been tired of hearing about Kate and her problems! JUST GET OUT OF THE SPY GAME, KATE! PLEASE!

Kate and Niko. Credit: ABC

There isn’t even any Sanjeev in this episode. Just some guy in the third chair. COME BACK TO US, SANJEEV! WE NEED TO SEE YOUR FACE!

The point of this recap is this: This episode  is probably the single factor that would have made a lukewarm show stronger. Because of its moved placement, a lukewarm show is now a bad show. This episode became the lynchpin of this series, and once it was removed, everything else fell along with it. Congratulations, ABC. Now, along with NBC cancelling The Playboy Club too early, everyone will be afraid to create a 1960s show for basic cable until 10-20 years from now.

Nothing else I’ve got to say; my nerves are frayed. See you next week on the next flight to somewhere in the world where things may or may not make sense.