The reboot is the go-to thing in Hollywood these days. Marvel is doing it with their comic book film franchise what with the Incredible Hulk reboot (they’re updating Spider-Man right as we speak!). And, as far as the fandom outcry is concerned, The Last Airbender could use a serious reboot as well, and the movie hasn’t even come out yet! With this in mind, here’s a list of movies that should be revised and redone.
Ultraviolet
This movie had a lot going against it in the first place. According to IMDB, director Kurt Wimmer originally made a more emotional, albeit longer, cut of Ultraviolet, but the studio felt that the film was “too emotional” for the type of film they were expecting. After lopping off the 32 minutes of emotional screen time, the film became the schlock we see today-nothing but Milla Jovovich running around in spandex, shooting people and performing cool stunts, leading to her character’s spot as one of the worst sci-fi women ever. Perhaps if the emotional scenes were left intact, this movie might be placed among such sci-fi greats as The Fifth Element (also starring Jovovich). But even still, the movie’s production values are out-of-bounds, creating a film where a viewer can’t catch a break from the green screens, CG technology, and stereotypical sci-fi action music.
THE DO-OVER: This movie would have its emotional scenes restored, and probably have a few extra added just to make sure the pathos is there for the viewer to identify with Violet’s cause. And perhaps having a few silent scenes in a clean, sterile room would be a nice break from the overabundance of futurism.
Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde
The first movie ended on the perfect note-Elle Woods got her Harvard law degree, got respect from her peers, got the right guy, dumped the idiot, and had law firms clamoring for her skills. With so much going right for her, the sequel should’ve been easy to make. But no. The sequel not only deletes most of what the first movie set up, it reduces the characters-fully modeled people with flaws, emotions and lovable character traits-to caricatures of themselves. Also, there’s a very stupid story at the heart of this movie. I don’t think anyone is against gay dogs being together, so why was this the storyline of a movie? So much wrong stuff in this movie.
THE DO-OVER: The characters would be treated with respect, the screenwriters from the first movie would be brought back (as well as Amanda Brown, the author of the novel the movie is based on), and the story would center on Elle doing something with weight-instead of fighting for the rights of gay dogs (as she does in the sequel), she could fight for the rights of gay people, something much more relevant and closer to home.
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End
The first Pirates was awesome. The second one was even more awesome. The third-not so much. Why? Well, where to begin?! The commercials for the film made audiences believe that the film would be centered in Asia, but the film only takes place there for the better part of 10 minutes! On top of that, a boatload of beloved characters die in the film for no explainable reason (unless you count the fact that Elizabeth kisses them as a reason), a gazillion subplots that have barely any resolution are thrown in, too much ridiculous “Who’s on first” pirate talk even if the movie is full of pirates, and awful CGI of a 100-ft. Calypso. More annoyingly, the character buildup from the second Pirates that ends with an unresolved Will-Elizabeth-Jack Sparrow love triangle gets resolved in the third movie in an unsatisfying and wholly unrealistic way. Double for the Tia Dalma-Will-Elizabeth triangle that was alluded to both in the script and on the set.
THE DO-OVER: The one thing to never change in a movie if Johnny Depp’s in it is his performance of a character, so Jack Sparrow wouldn’t change. What would change, however, are all of the storylines-about half of them would be taken out, just leaving us with the pirates and what they need to do. Also, no one would die just because Elizabeth kissed them. People would die if there was a logical reason for them to die. Calypso would look a bit more awesome in her larger-than-life form. Basically, the movie would make sense and not be almost three hours long.
Star Wars 1, 2, and 3
I don’t think I need to stress what has already been written before about this set of movies. So much CGI, the introduction of the worst character ever to grace the silver screen, too cute of a kid Darth Vader, too annoying of a teenage Darth Vader, and since when was Anakin that much of a prize as a husband for Padme to be so smitten over him? Her actions in the series also led to her gracing the worst sci-fi heroines list.
THE DO-OVER: Green screens will be limited. If the props can be made, they will be made. Unlike what George Lucas did during the making of 4, 5, and 6, everything would have a tactile, real-life feel instead of the clinical, computer feel audiences get from 1, 2, and 3. Anakin would have a bad seed from the beginning; if he’s supposed to be a bad guy at the end of the trilogy, the arc has got to be believable from the moment we see him as a child. Have him carry out criminal traits that a lot of real-life criminals do as children-kill animals out of boredom/anger, write hatred-filled journal entries- something that will make him seem like he could grow up to be the baddest man in the galaxy with the voice of James Earl Jones! And, of course, no Jar-Jar. Ever again.
What movies would you like to see have their slates wiped clean?
